Shewerehisownskin's Weblog

C. — Fri, 01 Aug 2008 21:44:00 +0000

http://beefleaf.blogspot.com/

the end of this blog.

C. — Fri, 01 Aug 2008 21:28:39 +0000

like most failed attempts, i am going to abandon this blog for a newer, firmer, leggier blog and bid any poor soul who happened upon shewerehisownskin farewell. will post new blog at a later date. ta.

bad things happen in the dark.

C. — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 23:23:23 +0000

Picked up new Cold War Kids, WolfParade, Vampire Weekend and Islands albums the other day at twist-n-shout. Everything is worth a listen except for maybe Cold War Kids… Or I am just extremely partial to the first two songs, We used to vacation and Hang me up to dry, that I could care less about the rest of the album which doesn’t invoke the style of these two songs. I mainly just like wailing along, a reason I like most bands I do. Their “sing-to”ableness. Also caught The Dark Knight and thought to myself, damn I miss Heath. His role in that movie got me very interested in what could’ve came of him the rest of his career. I am a big creepy nerd for movies like this… and Xmen… and all of those DC/Marvel movies. Mainly because I’ve always wanted to be born superhuman and something small in me still believes in such things. But Christian Bale, that guy just bothers me. The way he talks and moves his tongue in his mouth… there’s just something about that I can’t get with.

Saw my doctor yesterday. Silas is now head down, ready for take off. I now will be going weekly then biweekly/triweekly till the end. With the end in sight, time is moving so slowly. And the heat and lack of air conditioning is only making it more agonizing. Really, if something were to happen and I had him tomorrow, I wouldn’t complain a bit. I’m so done being a whale of a woman with swollen ankles and stretched skin. We’re having the shower in a week. I’ve chosen to have no say in it, basically because I’m too exhausted to plan anything else right now. My mom brought up lamaze classes today and I looked at her meekly, replying “I don’t have that kind of energy.” It makes me wonder if when it comes down to actually having Silas if I’ll be able to endure. Or if I’ll keel over from exhaustion and be under gas the entire time. A sad thought.

speak easy.

C. — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 21:20:52 +0000

I don’t have much of any desire to continue this blog… but I often get into these fits and it’s best to leave alone for a while and come back to. I feel this itch for change. So I dyed my hair. Typical girl thing, but you know. It matters to me in a small stupid way that signifies I am a new woman. Today I’m going braless in a brown dress with an entire day of nothing at my fingertips… So I’m wasting it, dicking around on the internet at my mom’s house and drinking root beer. It’s so hot oustide and we have to buy a new car today. Or sometime soon. The stallion has lost it’s spunk and is no longer fit to perform, essentially. I think tonite I’ll paint something new. I feel so pretty and creative. Silas is throwing elbows left and right. I think looking back I will miss the feeling of him inside of me, as weird as that may sound. Everynite I fall asleep with one man wrapped around me and one growing in my arms. My dreams have been less than appetizing. Strange, stretched lucid dreams about germs and c-sections and disinfectant. Ick.

a different air.

C. — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 16:51:31 +0000

So is married life really all that different? Yes and no. In ways you wouldn’t imagine, it presents itself, but for the most part, I’m still sharing my life with my best friend, kissing when we bump into eachother in our tiny kitchen and sneaking glances at eachother across the living room. I felt it yesterday when we were eating dinner, there was this golden light everywhere and his eyes were bright green, brighter than I’ve ever seen. We were laughing about getting into trouble in the past and he stops to tell me I look beautiful. And it wasn’t necessarily the compliment that struck me, but the stare that radiated at me from across the eaten landscape of veggie tacos and black grapes. It’s threaded in the smallest notions like kissing eyelids before leaving for work or that nook between your head and shoulder, lightly caressed before falling asleep. Interlocking fingers awkwardly at the grocery store and constant teasing, laughing, pushing eachother around. A warm sort of reminder of our promise. I know it won’t always be these lovely moments. That there will definitely be sour ones too. But that just adds to the appeal. We are experiencing together. And it’s now a “life” instead of two lives.

Obviously I can’t explain how it’s really different. I imagine it’s a personal thing for everyone.

Meanwhile, I’m almost 32 weeks along and getting more anxious than ever. Scared about the pain, but eager to meet my son and experience his life. Sleep is more difficult than ever and I’m growing rapidly, the babe gaining a half a pound a week or so. It’s insanely beautiful and frightening all the same. Two months to go, essentially.

i now present

C. — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 19:47:35 +0000

I think everyone got their year’s worth of tears out Sunday at the wedding. I doubt there was a dry eye in the place, including myself. Myself probably being the majority of the salty, wet emotion. I slept like crap the night before. I couldn’t relax because I knew I needed to and my cat wouldn’t stop trying to bite my nose. Everything was static black in my old childhood room. I laid all nite with my hand on my stomach, feeling Silas be just as restless, tossing and turning in my abdomen. Finally I heard my mom running the water in the adjacent bathroom and there was sunlight everywhere, yet I prolonged my stay in bed, thinking, pondering, holding back tears… We ran to get my hair done and I made smalltalk with the hairdresser as she curled and teased and pinned my hair into a crown of curls. She eased my nerves telling me about her wedding and the disasters that happened that were unplanned and how they just added to the eerily beautiful atmosphere of cheap, shotgun weddings. My hair took longer then planned and I rushed home as guests started arriving at the house to go up with us in the passenger van. Luke was the first friend I saw, his long hair frizzing in the wind and a blonderedhead shirt on. We talked about the free Gnarls Barkley show I missed the previous nite and I ran inside to get changed. Slipped on the wedding dress, pinned on my flower crown and messily tried to paint my nails red as the clock neared and passed the time we were supposed to be departing. I couldn’t stop shaking and my nails looked like crap, I was already hitting panic point when my mom just cleaned them off and told me to go bare. As I walked down the hallway, I could hear everyone in the living room, quiet murmurs and my heart was racing. I saw Thomas sitting quietly first and then emerged into the room, a specimen in a white dress, shaking like a frail moth. Hugs all around and awkward silences. I couldn’t stand there and talk to them, I had to move. I didn’t really want to talk to anyone. Finally we were on our way and I busied myself drawing in the front seat. I couldn’t look out the window, I wanted to puke, I had to pee… I felt like I was going to have a full-on panic attack, but finally we stopped for a bathroom break and I smiled and talked with my friends, with my girlheart, Jasmine, and I felt so much better. Excited feelings flooded in and I was ready. We neared the site and everyone jumped out and ran over to the seating area as I waited in the van. My mom approached me with the bouquet. We couldn’t look at eachother. There was this quiet understanding that if either of us spoke, the tears would come. Finally we were ready and I waited in the bushes as I watched everyone walk down the aisle. Seeing James, I couldn’t stand it. I wanted him to hold me and kiss me and reassure me this was right. I wanted to run off in the woods with him and make love and scream and laugh at the ridiculousness of all of this. But instead I walked toward the crowd… and the Kazoo wedding march started. We had decided beforehand we wanted everyone to play the song on kazoo’s and it was orchestrated so perfectly, I couldn’t hold back anymore. I was wailing and laughing hysterically as I creeped my way down the aisle, not being able to pick out anyone’s faces and really only seeing the grass beneath my feet through the tears streaming out of my face. And then I was infront of him. And he looked so handsome and new, I felt so shy. Like the first day we fell in love and didn’t know how to kiss eachother yet. The ceremony started and the sniffles began. Everyone was tearing up. It came time for me to read my vows and I could barely get them out, I was crying so much. I think then was when anyone who wasn’t crying before started and those who where crying already REALLY started crying. Even James got misty eyed. Then he did his vows and played a song for me on his guitar which really got everyone going. Suddenly it was “I do” and “You may kiss your bride” and we were presented to the world in our new life and bond. The rest of the day was kisses and hugs and I love you so much’s, catching up with long time friends and taking photos with families. Everyone I wanted there was there. I was touched at how many people came out to show their support for our union. I barely got to talk to James, I was so caught up with everyone else. The food wasn’t that great, but it didn’t matter. I threw the bouquet like a dunce, but that didn’t matter. James almost knocked me over getting my garter off, but that didn’t matter either. It was a perfect weather kind of day and the entire shindig reaked of James and I, slightly off, but just as sweet. Guests started leaving and more tears were shed. His parents blessed us as well as his Grandfather. More tears, more hugs, kisses. I left with him in our subaru chariot, stripped off my bra and flower crown and giggled at the thought of being a wife for real now. We’ve been staying in a hotel as our honeymoon, ordering room service and sleeping on the softest sheets. Our room is bigger then our apartment! I’m signing his name as my own and we’re making decisions as a team now. Things are different. They really are. I didn’t know if they would be or if it would be noticeable, but I feel a change. It’s a soft change, a strong change. A kind of change I didn’t know I was capable of, but it’s beautiful.

stuck on vows.

C. — Sun, 29 Jun 2008 03:44:21 +0000

Tomorrow is the big day. A big day of many big days, but one of mark in history in most people’s lives. I’m no longer nervous. No longer stressed. Mostly just ready for this. We got our marriage certificate the other day and it amazed me at how easy it is to get married. All you need is ten bucks, an ID and the name of the state your parents were born in. Wala, you’re pretty much married, dudes. It looks all fancy and official, but is such a fragile piece of paper and makes me really wonder about the tradition of marriage and just how old it really is. I’ve had pretty much every sort of reaction and feeling towards marriage ranging from disgust to wonder and just going through it have realized that marriage is what you make it. It can be individual and can be as simple as you throwing a big party in your crusty little squat with cheap PBR and punk rock music and unshaven armpits. It’s whatever. And since we involved so many different people in ours, it’s theirs just as much. Which I like. At first I was having a cow over the most mundane shit. I am also hormonal, so whatever. Now I’ve let go. The fact that neither of our rings fit us doesn’t bother me. The fact I don’t have my vows written the night before I’m supposed to recite them doesn’t bother me. I know I am in love with this man and I know I am prepared to commit to this bond, as serious as it is. I get misty eyed thinking about it. The secret little pockets of being in love that don’t present themselves until you really start prodding. Those secrets pull on your heart strings, man. Everything these days is. I am in love with the atmosphere, with the smell of our apartment, with the taste of his skin, with our new spider plant, with my new in-laws, with my friends, with everyone and everything and everywhere all at once. I feel like a giant glob of sickly sweet love mush that just might infect you if you let her put her fingers in your hair. So beware you haters of love and happiness.

Also, I must admit today I did a terrible thing… I bought a pair of airwalk brand “crocs”… You just don’t understand the desperation of a pregnant girl’s swelling feet in summer. Yeah, I may look like a tool, but atleast I’m comfortable… or something…

i’ll crawl into your autumn mouth.

C. — Wed, 11 Jun 2008 16:55:33 +0000

The attention, it’s getting to me. Everywhere I go, eyes. Smiles. Sighs. Talking to people, mostly women, about natural births, epidurals, emotions, cravings, whatever… I have never been a social girl. I have never been one to squeal with other girls about how cute this is or that is and ohmygod let’s compare ourselves. It makes me uncomfortable to have all of this attention. I walk into my work and all the girls smile and gather around, glossyeyed, “Oh Cass is so cute” and so on. Touching my belly. Talking about how thin my arms and legs still are, how great I look at six months… I admit, it boosts the esteem, but is it necessary everytime? I feel like a specimen, wings pinned, magnified for the world to see. YES HELLO I AM WITH CHILD. Stare stare stare. I got it enough when I wasn’t pregnant and now it’s amplified. I don’t know what it is about me and my appearance or presence, but it just distracts people. Meanwhile, I’m critiscizing my jiggling thighs and the fact my jawbone isn’t as boney as it was two months ago. Beware the female ego.

My mom airbrushed my face today. Luminess Air makeup. What a bizarre experience. I still feel sticky. I couldn’t stop laughing and she’s huffing at me about fine lines and dark spots. But boy, does my skin look even! Geeeee. No, she means well. She supposedly bought it to do my “wedding face.” And with all this stress for finals mixed with a deadly cocktail of hormones kicking up my sebum production, I’m breaking out and in need of help. Curse you perfect skinned people.

I’m going to go order the cupcakes today. Chocolate and buttercream marblecake with sunflower frosting flowers on top. Tre’ cheese. There is still so much to do, but now school is over with. Took my last final today and forgot the combined form for “a new opening from the stomach to the outside of the body.” Which is an easy one, gastrostomy. But I couldn’t remember it for the life of me and wrote down something stupid. Whatever. I’m done with finals, with my first quarter and with waking up at 5 in the morning, for this month atleast. I have no idea how next quarter will work out. If I go a week early, which Sara at work believes I will (“All women in Colorado go early”), then I will miss my finals. Finals week IS my duedate week. It will be a madhouse.

–Aside from this, two days and a new place! Hurrah!

tight rope walking.

C. — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 18:22:22 +0000

One final down, two to go. I am itching to get away from that campus for a while. To wake up at my own rate, ride my bike everyday and just slang coffee for the remainder of this month. Right now, I’m addicted to sickly sweet honey black iced teas. Ugh, kill me, I work for Starbucks… I am enjoying the mixed reactions of gnarly customer dudes who order fraps who try and hit on me when they can only see that I’ve got gigantic boobs and then I step away to retrieve their coffee and oh, there’s the belly and they just seem to… deflate? It’s quite effective, this preggo business, at killing any pervy advances. Friday nite this guy had ordered a coffee and as I was turning around he goes, “So you from around here?” just as he catches a glimpse of the belly and I look back at him and say “What’s that?” and he acts like the event never happened, gives me two bucks, avoids eye contact and leaves. Amazing.

So obviously I’ve got a lot of time on my hands to think about this mundane shit. Ha.

Went to the Capitol Hill People’s Fair this weekend and I was reminded that I should really get my own booth one of these years. Some of the artwork you come across is just so awful, it makes you think, I can do better. But regardless if I can do better, I’m not doing anything so who’s the lame one now… James finally found a wedding ring he digs that is not made out of organic material (him and coconut rings, I SWEAR) and is lovely bits of amber with silver. Oh god, this is really happening to me… getting married. I still feel about 8, dirt all over my hands, collecting rolliepollies for my bug circus, letting those freezepops liquify and turning my tongue blue with the sweet juice.

But I look down and it is quite apparent this is not the case anymore. One thing I am super excited about however… I get to act this way again. And with a son, it will be amazing! Playing with G.I. Joes and race cars, getting dirty making mud pies…. It’ll totally rule.

K. Wish you well.

EDIT:

I believe in the power of drawing models and graphs and what have you, so this is JUST for YOUR understanding of the belly’s power. BELLY OF DOOOM.

hardly anyone knows.

C. — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 20:22:16 +0000

This little corner that I’ve made for myself is really of no importance. I’m tired. Stretched. Feeling pretty small and insignificant. My feet are swelling alot today, due to heat and pregnancy and hormones. Is it stupid that I fantasize about returning to my old body? My old size? To wear shoes that won’t hurt my feet, to feel skinny again. Parts of me want to dig a hole underground and incubate outside of society until Silas is ready to greet the world. Who knows, maybe I’ll look back on this experience and miss it, but for the time being, I couldn’t be more ready to give birth. In reality I am no where near ready, psychologically/financially/emotionally, for a child but I am the type to learn as I go and experience and damnit, I’m ready for that.

And this terrible part of me wants to drop out of school again. Become a tattoo artist or something. Paint murals around town, sell crafts, play the banjo for spare change. I am not allowing this part of me to take root. I always do this, runaway to what’s comfortable. No more, no more.

Already I am missing this weekend. Lots of laughter and sticky skin, sweet drinks and sex and soft tee-shirts. -Sigh.