i now present

I think everyone got their year’s worth of tears out Sunday at the wedding. I doubt there was a dry eye in the place, including myself. Myself probably being the majority of the salty, wet emotion. I slept like crap the night before. I couldn’t relax because I knew I needed to and my cat wouldn’t stop trying to bite my nose. Everything was static black in my old childhood room. I laid all nite with my hand on my stomach, feeling Silas be just as restless, tossing and turning in my abdomen. Finally I heard my mom running the water in the adjacent bathroom and there was sunlight everywhere, yet I prolonged my stay in bed, thinking, pondering, holding back tears… We ran to get my hair done and I made smalltalk with the hairdresser as she curled and teased and pinned my hair into a crown of curls. She eased my nerves telling me about her wedding and the disasters that happened that were unplanned and how they just added to the eerily beautiful atmosphere of cheap, shotgun weddings. My hair took longer then planned and I rushed home as guests started arriving at the house to go up with us in the passenger van. Luke was the first friend I saw, his long hair frizzing in the wind and a blonderedhead shirt on. We talked about the free Gnarls Barkley show I missed the previous nite and I ran inside to get changed. Slipped on the wedding dress, pinned on my flower crown and messily tried to paint my nails red as the clock neared and passed the time we were supposed to be departing. I couldn’t stop shaking and my nails looked like crap, I was already hitting panic point when my mom just cleaned them off and told me to go bare. As I walked down the hallway, I could hear everyone in the living room, quiet murmurs and my heart was racing. I saw Thomas sitting quietly first and then emerged into the room, a specimen in a white dress, shaking like a frail moth. Hugs all around and awkward silences. I couldn’t stand there and talk to them, I had to move. I didn’t really want to talk to anyone. Finally we were on our way and I busied myself drawing in the front seat. I couldn’t look out the window, I wanted to puke, I had to pee… I felt like I was going to have a full-on panic attack, but finally we stopped for a bathroom break and I smiled and talked with my friends, with my girlheart, Jasmine, and I felt so much better. Excited feelings flooded in and I was ready. We neared the site and everyone jumped out and ran over to the seating area as I waited in the van. My mom approached me with the bouquet. We couldn’t look at eachother. There was this quiet understanding that if either of us spoke, the tears would come. Finally we were ready and I waited in the bushes as I watched everyone walk down the aisle. Seeing James, I couldn’t stand it. I wanted him to hold me and kiss me and reassure me this was right. I wanted to run off in the woods with him and make love and scream and laugh at the ridiculousness of all of this. But instead I walked toward the crowd… and the Kazoo wedding march started. We had decided beforehand we wanted everyone to play the song on kazoo’s and it was orchestrated so perfectly, I couldn’t hold back anymore. I was wailing and laughing hysterically as I creeped my way down the aisle, not being able to pick out anyone’s faces and really only seeing the grass beneath my feet through the tears streaming out of my face. And then I was infront of him. And he looked so handsome and new, I felt so shy. Like the first day we fell in love and didn’t know how to kiss eachother yet. The ceremony started and the sniffles began. Everyone was tearing up. It came time for me to read my vows and I could barely get them out, I was crying so much. I think then was when anyone who wasn’t crying before started and those who where crying already REALLY started crying. Even James got misty eyed. Then he did his vows and played a song for me on his guitar which really got everyone going. Suddenly it was “I do” and “You may kiss your bride” and we were presented to the world in our new life and bond. The rest of the day was kisses and hugs and I love you so much’s, catching up with long time friends and taking photos with families. Everyone I wanted there was there. I was touched at how many people came out to show their support for our union. I barely got to talk to James, I was so caught up with everyone else. The food wasn’t that great, but it didn’t matter. I threw the bouquet like a dunce, but that didn’t matter. James almost knocked me over getting my garter off, but that didn’t matter either. It was a perfect weather kind of day and the entire shindig reaked of James and I, slightly off, but just as sweet. Guests started leaving and more tears were shed. His parents blessed us as well as his Grandfather. More tears, more hugs, kisses. I left with him in our subaru chariot, stripped off my bra and flower crown and giggled at the thought of being a wife for real now. We’ve been staying in a hotel as our honeymoon, ordering room service and sleeping on the softest sheets. Our room is bigger then our apartment! I’m signing his name as my own and we’re making decisions as a team now. Things are different. They really are. I didn’t know if they would be or if it would be noticeable, but I feel a change. It’s a soft change, a strong change. A kind of change I didn’t know I was capable of, but it’s beautiful.